Parlez-vous francais? (Am I an idiot?)

This year, in order to expand my knowledge and broaden my thinking, I decided to take up French classes. This may possibly turn out to be the biggest mistake I've ever made, barring none.

Fully pumped up with enthu, I decided to find out about the various classes offering French. I personally went and checked out a few colleges, which is helpful in choosing a class because you can get answers to important academic questions such as:

-- Is there parking?

-- What is the ratio of guys to girls?

-- Is there a bank near the college that I can rob to pay the tuition?

Having found a French class that fulfilled the above criteria, I signed up ready and eager to tackle a brave new language.

But it was not to be.

The first French class I attended, I understood "absolument rien" (absolutely nothing). My first impression was that I had entered into the wrong class, where Spanish, German, Russian or some other crazy language was being taught. I told my friend lets leave. She said don't you want to learn French? And I was like, whoa, back up, if this is French, then how come it don't sound like French?

So there I was looking like a dodo, surrounded by people who seemed to keep on making funny noises to me (later I found out that they were trying to talk to me in French). Not WANTING to look like a dodo, I decided to blend into the scene. But the teacher immediately spotted me as an imposter, because I cannot pronounce the Secret French Code Letter (SFCL) which is "r". They have learned to say "r" in a certain secret way that sounds as though they are trying to dislodge something from their stomachs. It is virtually impossible for a non-French person to make this sound; this is how the French teachers figure out that you know nothing, even if you are attempting to pass as French:

TEACHER: Bonjour. Je suspect que vous etes un ignorant homme. ("Good day. I suspect that you are an ignorant man.")
ME: Mais je ne portes pas le Francais-Anglais dictionary! ("But I am not carrying the French-English dictionary!")
TEACHER: Au quais, monsieur pantalons intelligents, prononcez le mot "Rouen." ("OK, Mr. Smarty Pants, pronounce the word 'Rouen.' ")
ME: Woon. ("Woon.")
TEACHER: Si vous francophone, je suis l'Homme de la Batte. ("If you are a French speaking person, I am Batman.")

The teacher then went on to give a long lecture on me being lazy and not studying. Unfortunately I cannot reproduce the entire conversation here since I did not hear it myself: by this time the rest of the class was laughing so loudly as to drown out all other conversation.

Chastised by this ego-shattering incident, I resolved to brush up on my high-school French with the help of my friend. This may possibly turn out to be the biggest mistake I've ever made, barring none. Because trust me, someone teaching you how to pronounce A B C D empowers you with a feeling of total jerk-ness.

FRIEND: Okay, now remember "A" is pronounced like this: "aaa"
ME: Woon. ("Woon.")
FRIEND: No no, you got it wrong. Never mind. Try B. Say "bay".
ME: Woon. ("Woon.")
FRIEND (screaming and pulling her hair out): Aaargh! I'm sick and tired of you!
ME: Woon. ("Woon.")

I felt like my two year old cousin Zainab, to whom my uncle and aunt are trying to teach the English alphabet. Except of course, that my two year old cousin is like way, way, way smarter than me.

When I speak French, it sounds like a totally new language. My efforts may not be appreciated now, but it may be that in the future, historians will realize the true worth of my work, and adopt my new invention as the lingua franca of the world.

IF THEY DO, JUST TELL THEM TO NAME IT "WOON"