When plastic surgeons turn into Gods

A few days ago, as soon as I heard the news of Priyanka Chopra winning the Miss World crown, I went over to her house immediately to congratulate her personally. Priyanka and I are, of course, childhood friends. I know, I know, I know. I know what you guys are saying. You'll are saying: There he goes, spinning a yarn again. But I'm telling you, I'm not fabricating a tale. Priyanka and I really ARE childhood friends. Why is that so tough to believe? Don't any of you guys have any old childhood friends who went on to win the Miss World title? No? Christ! You guys need to go out and buy yourselves a life (I hear they've got some real cool bargains going on on second hand lives in Chor Bazaar. If you hurry, you might just make it).

Anyway, so I went to her house. Out in the main living room, Mrs. Chopra (Priyanka's Mom) was clad in a saree. Her pallu covered her head, and her head was bowed. She had an aarti in her hand and was worshipping Ganpati.

In Priyanka's room, Priyanka was dressed in a pair of Calvin Klein jeans which showed off her tight little bod to perfection. But a dupatta covered her head, and her head was bowed. She had an aarti in her hand and was worshipping a photo of some man.

Now that piqued my curiosity. Who was this man that Priyanka was worshipping?

ME: Hi Priyanka! Its me! Mustafa!
PRIYANKA: (giving me a big hug) Mustafa! Hiiiiii! God, you've changed soooo much!
ME: Listen, I just wanted to congratulate you on winning the Miss World title.
PRIYANKA: (preening and fluttering her eyelashes) Thanks!
ME: Hey, who's this guy that you are worshipping?
PRIYANKA: Oh, he's Mr. X (Note: all names changed on request). He's my plastic surgeon. I worship him like a God!
ME: (shocked) So you mean that you are not naturally beautiful?
PRIYANKA: No re! My face was all lopsided bone. I was ugly as a witch. Until Mr. X fixed me up. He rearranged my face, fixed my teeth and gave me a wonderful smile, and he also put some salami, solima, selona, um.....
ME: Silicon?
PRIYANKA: (beaming) Yes that's right! Silicon! He also put some silicon in my, um, well, "somewhere"

Well, like, duh.

Sometime earlier this year, Lara Dutta wins the Miss Universe crown.

On the 1st of December 2000, Priyanka Chopra wins the Miss World crown.

On the 3rd of December 2000, Diya Mirza wins the Miss Asia Pacific crown.

Three of the most important international beauty crowns won by three Indians.

An occasion to rejoice and celebrate? No.

An occasion to mourn and complain that people are only interested in shallow superficial things? No.

An occasion to simply not give a shit about such events either way? Yes.

When Sushmita Sen won, I felt proud to be an Indian. Then when Aishwarya won, it felt even better. After that, things have been steadily going downhill. Now, everybody is winning. When I heard about Priyanka, I was like: So what? Big deal. Welcome to the club. Even my next door neighbor is a Miss World.

The thing that irritates me about beauty contests is that they pretend that its a "brain" thing. Please. Spare me. Kill me if you want, but don't let me hear THAT again. Answer this pop quiz: Would an ugly woman win the Miss World contest by giving brainy answers? No. Irrespective of how "beautiful" her answers may be, an ugly woman will never ever win a beauty contest. So its NOT a brain thing.

Ok, so then they say that its a "brain AND beauty" thing. Please. Spare me. Kill me if you want, but don't let me hear THAT again. The contestants in such competitions are normal people. Not geniuses of anything. Some of them are even dumb. Sample this: When asked to name a living personality she admired, Miss Priyanka Chopra named Mother Teresa. Mother Teresa? Living? When did she rise up from the grave? Does Miss Chopra sound like a particularly clever person? Do I really have to ask? Miss Chopra was also quoted as saying that she would go in for an "arranged love" marriage. "Arranged" love marriage? What the hell is that? I've heard of love marriages, and I've heard of arranged marriages, but "arranged" love marriages? That's the spirit Miss Chopra, that's the spirit. Keep up the good work.

All competitors are made to learn out stock answers to stock questions by rote. Parodying a parrot does not qualify you as intelligent. And, its really very simple to give out clever answers. All you have to do is figure out how to put in the magic words "Indian culture" somewhere in your answer.

INTERVIEWER: So Priyanka, what makes you beautiful?
PRIYANKA: I'm beautiful because I'm an Indian. I have Indian culture inside me.
AUDIENCE: (gasped and amazed) Wow! Isn't that a clever answer! I'm sure she'll win!
INTERVIEWER: What do you think about India's poverty?
PRIYANKA: Nothing. Poverty is synonymous with Indian culture. So we must keep it as it is.
AUDIENCE: (gasped and amazed) Wow! Isn't that a clever answer! I'm sure she'll win!
INTERVIEWER: What is two plus two?
PRIYANKA: Its four because our ancient mathematical sage Aryabhatta said so. Four is a very important part of our Indian culture.
AUDIENCE: (gasped and amazed) Wow! Isn't that a clever answer! I'm sure she'll win!

So we've established that it is not a "brains AND beauty" thing.

Okay, so then they say that its a "only a beauty" thing. Please. Spare me. Kill me if you want, but don't let me hear THAT again. If all the contestants were so beautiful, why the hell do they need so many plastic surgeons, dentists, dietitians, speech dictation specialists, etc etc. (Not to mention, of course, "salami". For some wierd reason, they always need lots and lots of "salami")

Besides, the connotation of the word "beauty" has changed over time, and it is different today for different cultures. Hell, it's different for individuals within a society. Earlier, fat women were thought of as beautiful. They are what all women looked up to. Madhubala was a sex symbol in the 1950's. Today, she'd be called fat or stout. That was forty years ago. Maybe ten years from now we'll all be looking at toothpicks and getting hardons.

The only reason that all beauty contests are won by Indians is the fact that India represents the biggest market for cosmetic products. There are one billion people in it. Think of how many units Lakme can sell! This is why Indians continue winning contest after contest after contest. All of them are fixed. Indians have to win. Next years Miss World and Miss Universe will also go to India. Guaranteed.

In fact, Indians have been winning with such amazing regularity that .....

I THINK I'LL ENTER FOR THE MR. UNIVERSE CONTEST MYSELF