A Maruti 800, figure 36/24/26
My uncle decided to purchase a new used car recently. As opposed to an old used car, which only a real dork would buy. He did this to climb a few notches up the social ladder. That's like a really big ladder leading to the, um, top, but with a twist: the ones already on it sneer at the ones below them and will try to kick them off whenever possible.
But here in Pune, no one really minds. Getting kicked off is taken as par for the course. I'm telling you, ladder climbing is a very popular pastime, ranking a few points ahead of cricket and just below sex.
So off he went searching for cars in the classified. This very nearly shook the very foundations of his marriage --- because it turns out that most Indian classifieds are ads from "a beautiful and fair girl, figure 36/24/26, looking for a suitably qualified match. Suitable qualification being: possesses pots of money".
My uncle then embarked on a journey of phone calls. To search for a perfect car. Or so he told his wife.
(tring tring)
36/24/26: Hello
UNCLE: Hi. This is in response to your ad in the classifieds, and I...
36/24/26: Which bank do you bank with?
UNCLE: Um, Muslim Co-op Bank
36/24/26: Jesus, what a dork
(hangs up)
Like they say, true love is just round the corner. Thus suitably chastised, my uncle started his real search for a used car. Or so he told his wife.
(tring tring)
UNCLE: Hey wait, don't hang up, I also have accounts with ABN-Amro and...
36/24/26: Go get a life loser
(hangs up)
Okay, so I made the above conversation up. In real life my uncle is nothing like what's depicted above. He would never make phone calls to "suitable girls wanting pots of money". Never ever. That's because he don't have pots of money. Which is why he was on the second hand car market anyway.
The history of the second hand car bazaar can be traced all the way back to the time of the illustrious Gerald Ford when he traded his first prototypical used T-Ford model to his friend Ralph Chrysler for "a couple of beers".
This may sound like an incredibly good bargain to you. It sounded like an incredibly good bargain to Mr. Chrysler as well. Unfortunately he found out after the purchase was made (to his chagrin) that the vehicle was missing a few "optional accessories", like engine, wheels and steering.
Which brings me, without missing a beat, to the real message of this article: make sure you give any used cars that you intend to purchase a good through "once-over". Thats because most used car dealers reach levels of dishonesties that make Harshad Mehta look like a saint.
Q: What was the amount seeked as damages in the lawsuit filed by Mr. Chrysler?
A: Suing is a modern fad. In the old days, they settled such disputes in a more fair and logical way. Which is to say: Mr. Ford got a punch on his nose.
Q: Did Mr. Ford hit back?
A: No, he was a weakling who went running to cry on his momma's shoulder.
Q: Which old car model offers the best mileage, reliability and low maintainance?
A: That was a trick question. No used car will offer "mileage", "reliability" and "low maintainance". If you are interested in such optional accessories, try looking at new cars.
Q: But I don't have enough money!
A: Have you considered robbing a bank?
Q: That was a lame joke
A: Okay smartass, why don't YOU try being funny and find out how tough it is?
Q: Did your uncle really buy a car?
A: Yes, a 1987 Maruti 800, Rs. 60,000. Only.
Q: Is he happy?
A: He still doesn't know how to drive, but everyday he sits in his car and makes "Vrrrroooom Vrrrroooom" noises. Does that answer your question?
Q: Won't your uncle get mad if he reads this?
A: No. He's got enough brains to appreciate a joke.
Really dear uncle, if you are reading this please keep in mind that this is a joke. Don't get angry. Take me for a spin in your car. You see, I can help you in many ways.
That's because I know lots of beautiful and fair girls, figure 36/24/26.
RS 60,000. ONLY