Only death can save me

I don't know where to start. This is a little awkward for me.

Okay here goes ....

First year of college, in my class, there was a girl named X. Of course that wasn't her real name, but theres no way that you are going to get that out of me. So there. Now the first thing that I noticed about her was her hair. I've always been attracted to girls with short hair (don't ask me why), and you've guessed it --- X had short hair, french cut style.

The next thing I noticed was her face. Nice face. She wasn't going to win any beauty contests or anything, and actually, looking back, in retrospect, she was pretty average. But like I said, I'm a sucker for short hair.

Anyway, the first month I did absolutely nothing other than stare at her twenty four hours a day. And I mean twenty four hours a day. Even when she wasn't in front of me, I'd still keep on seeing her face (trust me, crushes sucks). I'd be talking to someone else, and still see her face. It was wierd.

I think she noticed it too. Sometimes she'd catch me staring at her and smile and turn away. I took that as a good sign. ;-)

But after one long month, even staring gets boring. So one day, we actually actually started talking. And it was cool. We hit off okay I guess. Nothing special, no "sparks" flying or anything, just friends. Cool.

But of course, I had this huge crush on her. Which is exactly what it was, not love or anything, just a stupid infatuation. Unfortunately, I didn't know it at that time. At that time, I thought, this is it, the real McCoy. And I was dying, dying, dying to find out if the feeling was mutual. I thought I was getting all the right "signals" from her, you know what I mean? And I think she knew that I was interested in her, because I guess I must have been pretty obvious about it. But I wasn't absolutely 100% sure that she knew. And that is what screws everything up.

Anyway, this state of "friendship" went on for about two months more. By this time of course, I had gone insane. Having a crush on someone and not knowing what the other person feels, has a tendency to do this to you. I used to write her name over and over again, dream about her, and all other sorts of assorted silly stuff. And I had NO IDEA as to what SHE felt. Christ.

So one day I decide, enough is enough. This is it. Judgement day. Because what I had planned was to ask her out for a movie. The suspense was killing me. And I wasn't going to just come flat out and ask her out, no, no, no, I was too smart for that. I was going to lay it on, build it up and then casually, very casually, ask her out. I had rehearsed my lines. And they were good. I swear no girl could have said "no".

But I was still prepared for her "no". The way I figured it, any answer, yes or no, would be ten times better than the state of indecision that I was currently in. I thought, what the hell, even if she says no, no sweat, at least then I can get on with my life.

There was just one problem with asking her out. Her best friend. (lets just call her Y) Now X and Y were always together. Wherever X went, Y, just like little Bo-Peep's sheep, was sure to follow. It was like they were stuck together with Fevicol or something, you know?

Anyway, MY problem was that first I had to figure out a way to get her alone, then pop the big question (no, no, not marraige, the movie, the movie). And I figured out a way for that as well. See the thing was, she was pretty good in maths and had helped me out a few times. And we had a maths test coming up. So I thought, I'd ask her to come to the library with me to help me study. During college hours of course -- which ensured that Y would be up in class, attending lectures. Don't you just love a devious mind? ;-) And in the library, I was going to ask her out.

Anyway, so we meet near the water cooler and I say:
"Hi, X, how are you?"
(pause and wait for her answer. And then)
"listen, you know that maths test thats coming up? I needed your help. Want to go to the library and study together?"

Now like I said, I was prepared for the fact that she might say no for going to the movie.

What I wasn't prepared for however, was that she might say no for going to the library.

Which is of course, exactly what she did.

She said "no". No? No? No?!? NO!!!!!!! I was struck dumb. This was a totally unprepared for situation. All my planning down the drain. I didn't know what to do. Which of course, meant that I did nothing.

And after that, the whole thing, slowly but surely, started going down the drain. And with the passage of time, I also outgrew my crush on her, no longer seeing her as someone special. Now in the second year, we have different subjects, i.e different classes, so I don't even see her much. Just the occasional hi, bye, and the very rare (only thrice actually) phone call. Thats it. No big deal.

But the thing that really really pisses me is that even now I still have no idea as to what her feelings were towards me at that time. Absolutely no idea. And that really pisses me off. And I can't figure it out. I mean, when I asked her to come to the library with me, she liked the idea, I saw the smile creeping up on her face. But she still said "no". Why? That question is going to torture me until the day I die. Girls! Why can't you just be simple and straightforward?

And thus my great, tragic love affair hit the ground before it even really took off properly.

DOESN'T LIFE SUCK?