Ooooh, aaaah, he's SO cute!

If there were no teenaged girls on this planet, Titanic would have been the greatest loss making movie of all times. Guaranteed. Of course, being nineteen years old, my life would have turned into hell had there been no teenaged girls, but well, thats another story ;-)

Ho hum. Theres this boy (Jack Dawson - played unimaginatively by Leonardo DiCaprio). And there's this girl (Rose DeWitt Bukater - played unimaginatively by Kate Winslett). Boy loves girl. And girl loves boy. But, but, but, the boy is poor. And the girl is rich. And the director (played unimaginatively by James Cameron) is seriously running short of ideas. So he introduces a wicked fiancee. Who desires to posess the girl at any cost. So the girl decides to commit suicide. She stands on the railing of the great ship (played unimaginatively by the Titanic), spreads her arms, shouts "I am the King of the world" and ...... jumps off. Boy jumps after her. Both die.

Actually I made that last part up. Though I wish it were true. Well anyway, what happens is that the boy saves the girl, prevents her from jumping (the fool, he really should have let her die), and the girl falls in love with him. They have fun, dance around, and while dancing, their ship somehow manages to hit a really, really --- I swear, really --- big piece of ice that somehow was floating right in their ships path. Divine intervention. Even the Lord hates the Titanic.

So they are drowning. Water flows. Both on the ship and from the girl's eyes. Boy wipes the tears. Holds the girls hand, looks deep into her eyes. And promptly dies (about time too, if you ask me). The girl survives. Gets saved, lives and then tortures us by making a three hour long movie that is totally boring. (Well what do you know, maybe the good Lord hates US)

Ho hum.

Poor rehashed story, bad acting, worse dialogs. (I am the King of the world? I mean, I AM THE KING OF THE WORLD? Who wrote the dialogs, someone from the mental wing of the local charity hospital?)

The only minor positive point about this movie are the special effects. They are good. The director, James Cameron, was given a lot of money, and he's spent it well. The costumes, the sets, reek of authenticity. It really does seem as if you've been transported back in time. The camera work is pretty good too. They've paid a lot of attention to the small small details. If only they had given a small part of their time to some other minor inconsequential stuff. You know, stuff like plots and dialogs and all. And oh yes, the music score is sort of pretty good as well.

This just goes to prove that simply because the setting and the background are grand, you are not assured of a good movie. If I go to see a movie on the Titanic tragedy, that is what I expect to see. I expect to see how the people on the ship lived out their last moments, what their thoughts may have been, how bravely (or cowardly) they faced up to their tragic fate. I do not want to see Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslett running around. At least not for three hours straight. There are a few isolated incidents of the type referred to above shown (the band that keeps on playing even as the ship goes down), but the problem is that they really are few and far between. Cameron has taken a tragic setting, put a love story in it, and then sat back and assumed that it would automatically translate into a tragic love story. Doesn't work that way buddy. YOU have to work on the movie. You can't expect history to do your job. "Titanic" is not appropriately titled. A better title for this movie would be "Leo and Kate".

The only reason this movie was a top grosser was that firstly, it appealed to young girls who swooned over DiCaprio. It transports them to their favorite vacation spot --- dream land. (Got an alcoholic boyfriend? A nagging mother? No money for the new Pepe jeans? Never mind. Visit DreamLand (tm) ) Secondly, the movie does not require you to think or reflect over what you've just seen. It just makes you "feel". Yeah, well, I for one, felt like puking.

Just one thing about the movie puzzles me. How the hell did it manage to win eleven Oscars? I mean, have they started staffing the Oscar awards choosing commitee with teenage girls?

DUMB BLONDE 1: Oh, well, drat! Its Oscar time again! We might have to see some intelligent movies that actually tax our brains! Thinking is such hard work!
DUMB BLONDE 2: (pouting) I know! Taxing our bodies is so difficult! Gym classes, aerobics classes, calisthenics workouts! The lot! Now they want us to exercise our brains as well! Imagine that! What nerve!
DUMB BLONDE 1: I can't understand why they won't allow porn films to be nominees as well. At least then we'd have some fun watching!
(The two blondes giggle. Dumb blonde 1 starts applying pink nail polish on her toe nails)
DUMB BLONDE 2: Hey, wait a sec! How about that movie with that cute little whats-his-name? You know, the one about some ice and some raft or something?
DUMB BLONDE 1: Titanic?
DUMB BLONDE 2: Yeah, that's the one. Leonardo is so sweet!
DUMB BLONDE 1: Alright! Let's nominate it for all possible Oscars!
DUMB BLONDE 2: (drooling) I wonder what it's like to kiss him?
(The two dumb blondes start giggling again)

God save the Oscars.

Yes. Leonardo DiCaprio is so sweet. In fact, he's so, so, so, sweet, that....

I THINK I'LL JUST TURN GAY